if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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