I feel great
I just peed on a car
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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