just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
