Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
