I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
