I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
