I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
