Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
