it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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