Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize