he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
