Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
