Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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