The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
