Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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