At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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