what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
