My hair reeks of homosexuality.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Randomize
