Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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