I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
