rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
