I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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