my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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