They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
