saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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