I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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