are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Farmville is her only friend.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
