I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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