the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
