Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
