She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
