What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
