i think my tv is drunk
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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