i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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