I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
