I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
