I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
