i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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