It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
