If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
