I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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