Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
