how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
