I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
my poor anus
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize