i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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