He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
