happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
