last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
