life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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