please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize