I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
