I'm going to jail i love you
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
