i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
