I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
