I'll bet she douches with gravy.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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