im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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