walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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