If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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