i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
