Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
