Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
